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Ch. 14 Love and Other Moments ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deep in the night, Zack stirred restlessly as the tone of his dreams turned dark. He walked through smoke so thick he knew he couldn't breathe, yet did. Dark shadows fluttered alongside, keeping pace with him as he moved through the directionless dimension. Vague sound hissed in his ears, but listening only confused him more than the incomprehensible background noise. His ears hurt. His eyes burnt, his lungs were on fire. Every bone, every muscle ached and throbbed in time with some great pulse he could barely sense. In the quiet cool dark of his bedroom, he moaned softly. Cloud slept on, oblivious. His legs gave out and he fell, onto stone that was harder than Heidegger's heart, and colder than Shiva's kiss. The burn turned to frost, the air to crystals that sliced him, skin and soul. Crying out, he tried to regain his feet, but managed no further than his hands and knees before the dream changed again and the earth became water and he was drowning in an endless turquoise sea. As his soul dissolved, began to wash away, he flailed his arms, forgetting in his panic that he knew how to swim. The water began to spin, sucking him down and down, but with a great wrench, he broke free, dragged himself to consciousness. He woke with a name on his lips and tears in his eyes. Strife.
* * * Cloud strolled down the hallway, trying to keep from grinning at everything and nothing. Even the thought of cafeteria "food" for breakfast couldn't put a damper on his good mood. Last night had been so... so.... His cheeks flushed at the memory, and he had to resist the urge to adjust his pants. Last night had been incredible, unreal, the most amazing night of his life... and they hadn't even.... He ran a hand over his hair and reminded himself to breathe properly. They hadn't had sex... at least, he didn't think they had... although the way Zack had touched him... and the way he'd responded... but they hadn't actually.... Taking a deep breath, he stopped in front of the elevator and punched the button for the dining level. It was more like mutual masturbation, he decided, running his tongue over his lips. Which sounded terribly... well... clinical. That didn't stop the flow of blood to his crotch, though. He shifted his feet. Get a grip, he told himself as the doors hissed open and he stepped into the empty elevator. Stop acting like a kid. With an effort, he forced his mind back to his schedule for the day.
He realized he was wrong when the table creaked, and someone settled onto the opposite bench. "Where the hell were you last night?" Kaney sneered. Cloud sighed, refusing to look up from his textbook. "Studying," he replied. "Where?" Kaney insisted, reaching across to pull the text away from him. Cloud slammed his hand down on top of the book. "None of your damn business," he replied, fighting to keep his tone even. Kaney's dark eyes studied his face for a moment before he laughed. "What's this? Did you actually manage to get yourself laid?" Cursing his fair complexion, Cloud shook his head, even as he felt the heat of blood flushing his ears. "Oh, yeah, that's right," Kaney said, his tone taunting now. "Couldn't be you got laid. You're gay." Cloud stiffened, the heat of his blush turning to a cold chill as the blood rushed suddenly from his head. "What did you say?" he asked softly, his voice almost catching in his throat. Kaney smirked, leaning across the table. "You. Are. Ga --" Launching himself up off the bench, Cloud's fist caught Kaney squarely in the jaw, sending him sprawling backwards onto the floor. "I'm not taking this shit from you any more!" he growled, moving quickly around the table to stand over his roommate. Kaney stared up at him in stunned disbelief, one hand half-way to his mouth, blood dripping from his cut lip. "Ah-ten-SHUN!" a cold voice snapped. Oh, shit, Cloud thought, stepping hastily aside as one of the training officers stalked towards them. "Care to explain yourselves, gentlemen?" he asked. The two recruits shared a brief, hate-laden glance, but neither spoke.
* * * Zack was reaching to flip the light switch when Sephiroth asked, "When did you sleep with him?" "Ne? Who?" Sephiroth held up a long strand of hair, plucked from the pillowcase. Light glinted along it, revealing its distinctly golden colour. "Oh." Reaching for the light switch again, Zack said, "Last night." "Leave it on." He glanced at Sephiroth, then away, but left the light. Moving to the bed, he sat down beside his lover. "Are you --" "Why?" Sephiroth interrupted, sounding honestly curious. Zack blinked, feeling like he was stumbling to catch up to the conversation. "Why did I sleep with him?" "Yes." He studied his lover's brilliant eyes for a moment, but found no answers. "Because he asked. He wanted it." "And you didn't?" "No, I did," Zack replied without hesitation. Hesitation was a guilt reaction, and he wasn't guilty. If Sephiroth was going to be reasonable and talk this out, he wasn't going to blow it by acting like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar. No lies. "Hmm." Sephiroth turned his attention to the strand of hair, twisting it around his fingers, testing it's strength. "Seph, you know I've been interested in him --" Sephiroth nodded, not looking at him. After a moment, Zack lay down beside him. Reaching out, Sephiroth pulled him closer, letting Zack rest his head upon his chest. Zack relaxed with a soft sigh. "You're not angry?" "Do you love him?" "No. I care about him. I like him a lot. But I don't love him." He kissed Sephiroth's chest, shifting his head so he could look up at his lover. "I love you. Only you." There were emotions visible in Sephiroth's expression now, and though his voice had been calm and reasonable, the way his eyes were creased said 'frustration', and something else. Zack pulled back a little, feeling Sephiroth's arm tighten around him as he did. "Seph?" He wasn't even sure what he was asking, what he wanted to ask, but feeling like there was something important he should know. His lover sighed and glanced up at the ceiling. "I don't understand it, Zack. I don't want to hate him. I hate the part of me that reacts that way. But I feel like... like I know him. Like he's... he's familiar, in a way that I don't want to think about. Can't think about. I can't even begin to understand, or explain, what seeing him stirs in me, not even to myself." He glanced down again, stroking one finger along the line of Zack's jaw. "He fascinates me. I want to know him. I fear him. I hate him. I want...." Zack was suddenly all-too-aware of the lighting in the room. It was too bright, startling when he noticed it. Confessions like this usually came at night, in the deepest dark they could find. "I want him to be mine. Like you are," Sephiroth whispered. Zack had to strain to hear him over the beating of his own heart, the echo of Sephiroth's breath and heartbeat where his ear rested against his lover's chest. "I want to own him." Words spoken so quietly, barely breathed. He wasn't sure he had heard them, didn't dare ask Sephiroth to repeat himself. Silence stretched over them. Sephiroth's hand moved restlessly over Zack's hair, as if trying to tame the wild spikes. His other hand, with the golden hair still wrapped around and held taut between his fingers, suddenly dropped into Zack's line of sight. Fingers stretched, the hair tightened, snapped, and was discarded off the side of the bed. Zack shivered. "Tell me," Sephiroth said finally, startling Zack with the sudden rumble of his voice. "Tell me what it was like, with him." Zack nodded, smiling. This was something he was familiar with, though they hadn't played this game in a long time. Letting Zack into his life had been perhaps the most difficult thing Sephiroth had ever done. He'd never had another lover, never trusted anyone enough to let them get that close -- into his bed. Into his heart. But Zack had. Curiosity had driven Sephiroth to ask, years ago, what Zack's experiences with those others had been like. Hunger for those experiences had spurred him to ask for more and more detail, until it became a kind of role-playing between them, with Sephiroth becoming Zack, and Zack playing the role of the other lover. He'd been self-conscious about it at first, they both had, but they'd found a kind of exquisite guilty pleasure in it. Zack understood the walls Sephiroth had built around himself, understood why he would not - could not - allow himself to indulge in casual relationships. He was more than happy to offer his lover the chance to have them, to live through him. Because, in the end, they became themselves again, and always found that their love for each other was deeper and stronger than they'd ever hoped. Softly, Zack began to describe what he'd done to Cloud, letting himself respond as Cloud had as Sephiroth's hands moved over him as his had over Cloud. They lost themselves in the game of it, the play of words and touch, action and reaction, until it built to heights he'd never reached with Cloud, and they came together, as he and Cloud had not. And in the back of his mind, where words weren't needed, just for a moment, Zack felt Sephiroth's mind, his overwhelming love for him. Mine. Oh my love. He answered, wordlessly, as they tumbled down the dark depths into sleep. Love. For eternity.
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